Dealing with spinal cord injury, there is one word that describes my state of mind – DISCOURAGED!
Dealing with chronic pain, in and out of hospital, waiting to be diagnosed, fearing the outcome, I have struggled to see past the mental block or think positively.
I have searched the internet trying to learn as much as I can of what the doctors have told me, and I have thrown myself into researching everything I can about what is happening in my body. I have looked up everything that I can find about the spine, disc herniations and extrusions. And I have tried to understand the physiological impact of my injury and how it will ultimately affect my life, physically and mentally. Mostly I am consumed with a sense of hopelessness. Will I ever live a life without chronic pain? Already having to cope with a somewhat dysfunctional body because of the injuries sustained in the accident in 2009, at this time, I can’t see past the hurdle I am having to jump over now. I am discouraged, very much so, but I also realise that I have no chance of improvement unless I can get past the mental block and start to think positively. Approaching my situation in a mindful way, three things have come to mind.
- ACCEPTANCE
- GOALS
- APPRECIATION
ACCEPTANCE is the toughest. Having to come to terms with my body; making lifestyle changes; allowing myself to grieve, letting it all out; changing my mindset; realising that all is not lost. And that I can still explore ways to enjoy the things I love and lead a fulfilled life.
GOALS need to be revisited. Over the three months since the incident, there have been big and little recoveries, especially with regards to pain management, physio treatments and rehabilitation therapy. I need to acknowledge these more and stay motivated, hopeful and visualise my full recovery. As I can be an “all or nothing” thinker, sometimes like a “bull in a China shop” – I have set BIG goals from the start, hell bent on getting back to normal and everything I have been able to do before, instead of setting smaller goals that will keep me aware of my accomplishments.
APPRECIATION takes a little will power. After three months I have finally been told that surgery will be required to fix me. What type of surgery will only be confirmed after meeting the surgeons at the Oxford Spinal Unit, which unfortunately entails another 3-4 months of waiting. Feeling once again disheartened from the back and forth shuffling, I feel myself getting caught up in what “isn’t” improving, which I know is not going to benefit me at all.
Turning to what I’ve learned in my Mindfulness course, I start writing daily notes in my dairy. What I have managed physically for the day, my state of mind, and how I feel overall, whether good or bad. This keeps reminding me of how much I am actually achieving physically and how far I’ve come. Applying the fundamental concepts of mindfulness: Awareness, Non-Judgement and Living in the Moment, will help to keep me thinking positively so I can make a commitment to rehabilitation.
I still want to trail run, hike mountains and scale rock faces, things which right now I’m not able to do. Instead I do what is safe and allowed under professional supervision and I am recovering physically, albeit slowly, but, the more I recover physically, the more empowered I feel to work harder. From past experience through many an injury, I know the body is amazing and capable of incredible things, we just have to know how to support them. I’m not completely against surgery if it is the only way to fix the problem but, I’m also curious about the potential of my body to heal on its own, so whilst I’m waiting for the final leg of this journey, I am trying to create an environment for healing to happen.
I have accepted that there is still a way to go before I can be fixed but the wait is helping me to realise an important truth – SPINAL CORD INJURY RECOVERY STARTS MENTALLY and I’m learning how to slow down and feel. My BIG goals have become a bunch of LITTLE goals so I can celebrate even the smallest of victories. A step at a time will lead to transformation.