In my first book, “Doing It My Way” published in July 2008, I had spent 27 years finding ways to get from where I was to where I wanted to be. The process of writing the book was an ongoing journey of growth and healing. On completion I understood that subconsciously I had chosen my experiences, I had grown spiritually and emotionally through everything that had happened to me, and I believed that I’d dealt with all my issues. However, when in 2008 I became reunited with horses my life took on a new dimension. Being in their presence began to trigger deep-seated memories. This was something primal and vital to my existence but they were nevertheless events which I had discarded to the far recesses of my mind hoping they would be forgotten.
Feelings of sadness, confusion and even fear started to resurface. These feelings led me to revisit deeply buried fears of incompetence, failure and unworthiness. As I tried to handle the negative emotions I was experiencing, my efforts left me powerless. Even so, through these revelations I understood how far I had come, and this forced me to evaluate the profound extent of my personal experiences.
The horses I was handling at the time encouraged me to acknowledge my vulnerability and human limitations; they gave me courage to admit to untold truths, and prompted me to understand what was standing in the way of the purpose driven life I wanted. From the time I was a teenager through to middle age I experienced major transitions in my life, and just as I rejoiced in the milestones, enduring tragedy and coping with crises was part of those transitions. As my involvement with horses progressed I was slicing away at layers of my life as if it were a gigantic onion, only this time everything was much more defined and I was faced with reality which at times was painful and often brutal. Accepting this made me feel intimately exposed and emotionally vulnerable yet at the same time I felt a strong compulsion to push on.
My love of horses and their unfailing wisdom has been the catalyst to the transformation in my life as they lead me to experience the instinctual sides of myself, physically as well as psychologically. Horses became a constant when my life was in a state of turmoil, confusion, pain and bitter disillusion. They became the teachers and healers of my fragmented life marked by repeated mistakes and undesirable choices.
As teachers they imparted powerful lessons about tenderness, letting go and obedience whilst at the same time they disturbed my comfort by frustrating my demands, becoming difficult to handle, and often shocking my dominant and wilful mind. Besides facilitating my healing, they have taught me to look deeper into a connectedness with all life, and deeper into my own heart.
They have been an inspiration to self-discovery and expanded consciousness. Through the years, these mystical creatures have empowered and entranced me with their beauty, gentleness and grace. They have taught me the silent knowledge of who I am, and when I find myself turning towards them with a selfless love, my mind becomes still. This connection has given me the strength to look deeper into my being and in granting myself forgiveness and accepting my failings I have unleashed the power of grace, creativity and love in my life.
The many horses in my life have been messengers and the sources of inspiration and energy, which connected me more deeply to my soul’s purpose. By allowing me to remove my masks and behave naturally they offered me insight for life and encompassed a process that left me feeling free and spiritual, healed and marvellous.