By middle age I was confident that I knew what I wanted out of life. What I had trouble coming to terms with was the time I was having to wait for my wants and desires to manifest into tangible tidings.
I came to understand that I was creating my own world with my thoughts, words and deeds. My lesson was to have enough faith in my ability and right to live a fuller, richer, more meaningful life all the time. I also had to accept that everything I needed at every stage in my life was being provided. I remember reading that there are three things that once gone will never return: TIME, WORDS and OPPORTUNITIES.
I agree. Time will stop for no one; what you say cannot be retracted and a great opportunity will never come around twice. This prompted me to think hard about what my three things were. I remember staring blankly at my vision boards and thinking, ‘The answer is somewhere in there, I know it.’ And it was. Just as I was about to give up the answer came to me. The three things that would stop me going forward were: DOUBT, CONFUSION and LACK OF BOUNDARIES.
I realized soon enough that it was no good praying for guidance if I did not believe my prayers would be answered. And I could not trust myself to get there if I was riddled with self-doubt. God saw my struggle and instead of gently blowing reassurance in my ear, He hit me with a club on the head to remind me that, ‘Where there is total, unquestionable faith and acceptance of the truth, there can be no doubt.’
The doubt I had about not being able to succeed was bred in my mental state of attachment to the outcome. The doubt also stemmed from my beliefs which more often than not hinged on my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness.
The lesson I learned from having DOUBT was that I was subconsciously entertaining a mental and emotional response for the need to be in control of myself, of others and of circumstances. I had to empower myself with clarity of mind and truth of heart and this would leave no room for doubt to grow.
Dealing with constant CONFUSION was debilitating to say the least. Confusion had become my response to fear. I began to think that I’d lost the battle and was losing the war. I was fast becoming a self-confessed basket case. Yes…no…maybe… became part of my extended vocabulary. I felt lost, with no sense of direction, no focus and no clue about what I really wanted. Actually, I wanted it all and all at once.
However, I was becoming practised at questioning the validity of my emotions and picking apart what a downward swing really meant. I had to differentiate between trivial wants and significant wants. I had to distinguish between significant wants and essential needs. I needed to define my desires in clear and compelling detail. When I was able to specify exactly what I wanted for myself and in my relationships with other people, things started becoming clearer. My lesson was to be still and silent long enough to get in touch with what I really wanted. The challenge became in admitting this to my self, to refrain from judging what I wanted, then letting others know of my plans.